How to deal with other parents of college students

Most parents would consider themselves their students’ biggest fan. But just because your student has gone off to college, it doesn’t mean the game is over for you – this is a pivotal time for parents to grow as well. As you adjust to a new life with your child at college, your own relationships will provide camaraderie and encouragement, as well as challenges along the way.

Whether you’ve found the support you needed to adapt to an empty nest, or it’s been hard to connect with other parents, understanding common interactions among parents will help you be a better friend to others – and realize your own needs.

Consider the following roles parents often take with each other during this time of transition:

Teammate

Parents who have watched their children grow up together – blowing out candles on birthdays, taking pictures before school dances and cheering together at sports games – become even closer once the kids are off at college. These parents team-up to make care packages for their students and drive together for Parents’ Weekend, if the students attend the same college.

Tip: Teammates help each other deal with the empty nest, offer advice and empathize with each other because they’re in similar situations. As these friendships develop healthfully, parents will realize they have more in common than their students, and the relationships will revolve around shared interests and beliefs, and not just the latest update from the kids.

Rival

Most relationships include an element of competition; it’s human nature. For some parents, however, this gets blown out of proportion and pushes others away. It’s one thing to be proud about your student’s accomplishments, but quite another to compare him to your friends’ students, which can be unintentional but hurtful nonetheless.

With the increasing competition to get into good schools, the financial burden it can put on families and the difficulty of landing a good job after graduation, parents may sense a need to see how their situation stacks up with others’. This focus strains relationships.

Tip: Rivals find more competition than camaraderie with their fellow parents. Instead of comparing your student to others, realize that college is about forging a unique path that leads to independence and fulfillment. That will look different for everyone.

Try to be compassionate toward other parents whose stress and anxiety takes shape through rivalry, and help them see that their identity is far more than their students’ accomplishments.

Undercover Player

Some parents hold their cards close to their chest, especially during the college admission process and around scholarship deadlines. A different form of rivalry, these parents don’t want to share anything that could risk their students’ leg-up on the competition.

When fear becomes a motivator, parents, who don’t want to reveal too much, end up alienating their friends. Relationships that were once close suffer when communication lines close down.

Tip: Undercover players forget a basic requirement in the real world: networking. Secretiveness and shutting people out is never beneficial in the long run.

When dealing with undercover players, be open about your life, which might encourage them to do the same. Help ease their fears by reminding them of the “we’re all in this together” viewpoint. If that doesn’t help, find support from other parents who are more encouraging and open.