Psychological Counseling

It’s hard to let go of my child. This is the first time she’s been so far away from home. Any advice about coping?
It might make it easier to cope if you remember that parenting your child over the years has been a series of “letting go” experiences— kindergarten, sleepovers, first date, driving. Through each experience, you have empowered your child to develop self confidence and to take risks to find out who she is and what she can do. This is just the next in a series of steps for you as the parent. Over these years you have helped your child with decision making, with conflict and finance management, with taking care of her personal needs. These are all the skills your child will be using as she goes out on her own. This is a necessary next step for both you and your child. This is not to say, of course, that this will always be easy. Some parents find it helpful to set up an informal support network with other parents who are going through a similar process. Other parents cope by arranging a schedule with their child about phone calls and e-mails, visits to campus, the child’s visits home, etc.

My son and I have had more tension in recent months. I realize that he’s probably nervous about moving away from home, but he’s been so touchy lately. What’s happening with that?
Change is always stressful, even change which is seen as a positive step. The stress comes from leaving the familiar behind and taking a risk on the unfamiliar. You are both feeling the stress of the change—you may be more conscious of your feelings and the reasons for them, or at least more able to express your feelings in words. Your child may be reluctant to look at these feelings out of a sense that he needs to be strong and pull away from the family at this time. You can do your son a great favor by sitting down with him and articulating your own mixed feelings about the upcoming move. In this way you can normalize all his feelings while also modeling for him that you can pull emotional strength from your vulnerabilities.

What about homesickness?
Students experience homesickness to varying degrees. It is typically the worst in those students who have spent little time away from family and friends. These students will want to cling to the familiar out of fear of the unknown. There are various things parents can do to help their students through this painful transition. First, encourage your child to give the campus environment and community a chance. You can do this by encouraging your child’s participation in activities on campus that have been designed to help your child “get connected.” By exploring the new environment and community, she will become more familiar and more settled here in Chico. Second, you can reassure your child that her family will always be there for support and for respite from school. Third, you can reassure her that she does not have to worry about the family at home, that you will get support for yourselves as needed. Instead, your child’s job is to focus on her new life at school, both academically and socially. Finally, you might consider sending “care packages” from home with news from hometown newspaper, stamps and envelopes, younger siblings’ artwork, cookies, etc.

I know my son is a legal adult now, but I feel that he still needs some guidance. How do I provide that guidance while giving him the space he needs to grow?
Your role as a parent changes at this stage to more of a consultant. Your child needs you to listen to his feelings without rushing in to “fix” the problem. Often when parents try to fix the problem, the child walks away feeling incapable and incompetent. Instead, by listening to feelings and helping him sort out his options and the consequences of those choices, you are empowering him to be an adult independent of you. Your child needs you to let him know that you believe in him and that you will do your best to stand behind the decisions he makes. He also needs to be reminded that we all must make choices for ourselves without any guarantee of the outcome. You might share examples from your own life how your actions that initially appeared to be “mistakes” often became opportunities.

What can I anticipate during the first months my daughter is away at college?
You can expect a variety of feelings from her—joy and relief and confidence at times, sadness and self doubts at other times. Your child will be defining for herself who she is separate from you, from the family, from her old friends. This challenge can be both exciting and a little terrifying. She may deal with the loss by withdrawing emotionally from you during this time, not calling or writing for some time. Or she might call quite often during the first few weeks for reassurance. These reactions are just that—reactions to an unfamiliar situation—and will stabilize as the weeks go by. It’s not unusual for students’ grades to be somewhat lower during this first semester as a result of all these stressors. Typically, by the spring semester, students feel more confident and more able to manage stress.

I’ve heard college students talk about how stressful college life is, but my son won’t need to work much. He’ll be living in the residence halls where somebody else cooks and maintains the building. Just how stressful can it be?
While it is true that living in the residence hall does minimize cooking and cleaning responsibilities, life there will hardly be stress free. A common stressor will be getting along with a roommate and hall mates. Your son’s personality and habits may not complement those of his roommate completely. While residence hall staff is on hand to help roommates manage their conflicts as necessary, the burden of the relationship will be on the two roommates. Further stressors come from the new freedoms your child will be experiencing. Nobody will be there to make him attend classes, to make him study or complete homework, to make sure he gets enough sleep at night or takes care of health needs. He will be the one who must decide on a major, choose classes, and negotiate the development of new friendships and romantic relationships. He will be the one who is testing self esteem and identity through the choices he makes. There is significant emotional stress associated with making these choices, particularly if they are being made for the first time.

Conclusion
This can be a challenging transition for both you and your adult child. In most cases, family members and the adult child make it through this period with no serious difficulties. And, of course, seeing their child grow into an adult is a satisfying experience for most parents. But, along the way, if you feel that your child could benefit from talking to a counselor, please have her or him come in to see us at the Counseling and Wellness Center. We offer individual and couples counseling, group counseling, crisis management, and referral services.

by Lisa Quinn, Ph.D.
Counseling and Wellness Student Services Center 430
(530) 898-6345
Http://www.csuchico.edu/counseling