Letting Go: Information on College Transition for Parents

Like most changes or transitions that produce personal growth, moving away to college may bring pressures, stresses, and challenges-for both students and their parents. During this time, some of the most important life transitions occur. For students, effective adjustment to college requires coping with feelings of loss when moving away from home and finding new friends and relationships. Effective time management and caring for oneself can also be challenging for many students. Support from parents and family is critical to a student's successful transition to college.

Leaving Home
The initial separation of moving away to college can evoke many feelings. When a student leaves home, a number of things are left behind: the familiarity of one's house, room, friends, parents, school, etc. Divestment from these things and people must occur so that the individual can invest in college life. For students, potentially positive involvement with campus life, activities, experiences, and friends may be accompanied by anxiety, a temporary sense of loss of self, and confusion (or even chaos). The associated inner conflicts are sometimes conscious, but more often they are not.

Listen, listen, listen! Parents who actively listen will usually allow the student to express his or her underlying feelings, providing the parents with a better understanding of the feelings behind the behaviors. Ongoing communication between parents and students supports the young person's ability to make more positive and effective adjustments.

It can be difficult for parents to allow their child to "work through" a problem situation. However, each time an individual finds a solution to a problem, it can enhance their self-confidence and teach them important life lessons. Many young people today possess a great deal of knowledge, but developing problem-solving skills allows them to translate that knowledge into making thoughtful and wise decisions.

Identity Development
The major task of early adulthood is to develop meaningful relationships with others, and this requires a certain amount of experimentation and rejection of parental values. The apparent rejection of parental advice by college-age adults may be difficult for parents to accept. Parents may feel frustration and anxiety during these times and attempt to "regain control" or to withdraw emotionally from sons or daughters. Remember that some degree of exploration and testing of new ideas is required for the development of a clear self-image. It also may be reassuring to remember that most children will re-embrace the majority of their parents' values.

The first child in the family to attend college may experience added pressures and stress. Parents may have unrealistic expectations for these individuals. Keep in mind that children cannot be expected to fulfill the unfulfilled dreams, aspirations, or goals of their parents. Such expectations place extra or even unfair stress on young people.

Competition
Entering freshmen must also deal with a higher level of competition. For example, many University of Miami freshmen were in the top ten percent of their high school classes. All will be competing for similar academic standing in their freshman class. Some students may experience either academic or interpersonal failures for the first time. Parents should not try to protect their children from experiencing failure. Learning how to fail and how to rebound are very important lessons for all of us.

New Relationships
A second major task of adolescents and young adults is to develop significant relationships. During the college years, these relationships may be romantic or otherwise. Some will be lasting and others will not. Relationships developed during college are important to the student's feeling of acceptance by his or her peer group. These relationships can provide a source of social support during times of stress.

Residential College Living
Throughout the first year, tensions may develop between your son or daughter and his or her roommate. It is always an adjustment to learn to live with someone else. Few students have shared a room at home, and whether their new roommates were strangers or friends prior to living together, conflicts will occur. Living in the residential colleges provides students with an opportunity to recognize, accept, and adjust to individual differences. Please encourage your student to speak with his or her resident assistant at any time if issues arise.

Stressed Out
Your son or daughter will begin making adjustments as soon as he or she arrives on campus. Freshmen identify the first month at college as the most stressful time during their first year. During this time, they may make frequent calls home. Your son or daughter may even expect you to know that he or she is lonely and, therefore, to know when to call (by reading his or her mind). You can be most helpful by listening actively and empathetically to students' concerns. Stay calm; overreacting is unlikely to help. Listen for the feeling the student is attempting to express and try to understand it before responding.

In surveys at universities across the country, the most common areas of concern included:

• Dealing with emotions/feelings (loneliness, depression, anxiety, alcohol, etc.)
• Stress (social, family, time management, etc.)
• Health issues (colds/flu, exercise, nutrition, sleep, etc.)
• Interpersonal conflicts and relationship difficulties
• Academics

This is not surprising since most students are clearly academically qualified to be at the University of Miami. When intense feelings, stresses, relationships, and health issues are under control, academics can be mastered.

Parents can help students get through a particularly tough time by mailing a special letter or package and offering their support.
Suggestions:

• Maintain contact with your college student, but don't over-identify or try to over-control.
• Be available to listen. Your primary role during this stage of development is to act as a sounding board and guide by reflecting the young person's thoughts back to him or her and allowing that person to reach his or her own conclusion.
• Give specific advice only when asked and don't feel rejected when your advice is questioned. This is normal. Allow for learning by trial and error when possible.
• Encourage and be positive when possible. Don't use guilt or threats.
• Be a good role model.
• Empathize and encourage.
• When these suggestions do not appear to be helping, suggest campus resources and/or contacts such as resident assistants, deans, professors, the Student Health Center, and the Counseling Center.

Suggested responses to students who call home upset and want to "drop out":
1. Listen carefully and try to find the between-the-lines messages:

• "I don't like it here" may mean "I'm lonely" or "I miss home."
• "I don't think I fit in here."
• "I'm worried about home and family." (Are there any reasons he or she might be?)

2. Let your student know that you recognize his or her discomfort and understand that all is not as he or she expected it to be:

• "You sound upset. How can I/we help?"
• "It can get lonely for a while in a new environment."
• Repeat their statements to allow them to hear what they have said and to clarify their feelings. "What I'm hearing is..."

Statements to avoid:

• Don't say "Come on now, you don't really feel that way." (No one likes to be told how they do or do not feel).
• Don't say "You can't be serious, that's stupid."
• Don't say "You can't do that. Do you know how much money we've already spent on you?"

Holidays at Home
When freshmen return home on weekends, holidays, and summer breaks, they often practice new behaviors and express new ideas within their old environment. You may feel that your child should be as excited to see you and spend time with you as you are to be with him or her. Most students will be excited to see you for the first 24 hours, but then the excitement may wane. Even sleeping late may be viewed negatively by parents but coveted by exhausted freshmen.

Freshmen may identify holidays and the first summer home as stressful because they are again subject to rules and regulations of the home. While at school, they come and go as they wish and set their own limits. Some feel that they are forced to return to a child's role. Students may find this adjustment difficult. Both parents and students should be aware of these issues. Hopefully, each will be able to discuss the expected rules and regulations associated with time spent at home during breaks.

Personal Family Changes
Most parents of freshmen are at or near midlife. Many are experiencing their own midlife changes or even crises. Family stability is important to most students during the process of separation and independence. Unfortunately, midlife divorces are frequent. Parents may not fully realize the impact that a divorce can have on a student involved in making the transition to college. The student may feel responsible, reasoning that if he or she had not left home the divorce may not have occurred.

After a student leaves home, gaps may be left within the family structure. You may be jubilant that you are no longer as responsible for the physical care of an adolescent and may take new hobbies or travel. Some parents, however, experience a significant sense of loss and sadness. Parents should also keep in mind that siblings may be affected and may experience a sense of loss as well.

For more information and resources about the college transition for students and families, call the Counseling Center at 305-284-5511.

"Letting Go" was adapted from "Thoughts and Suggestions for Parents of First-Year College Students," John W. Greene, M.D., professor of adolescent and young adult medicine, Vanderbilt University.