How to deal with roommate conflict

Move-in day has come and gone. Syllabi are stacking up. Your student has scoped out every dining hall and caffeine dispensary. And roommates start to show their true colors.

Whether your student is living with a best friend, an acquaintance, a total stranger or multiple people, there are bound to be roommate issues. Dealing with conflict responsibly and directly will cut down on long-term stress for your student, as well as strengthen relationships. Encourage your student to do the following when living with roommate(s):

Expect compromise. No two people will share all the same habits, preferences or needs. If your student recognizes that his night owl tendencies make his roommate's 8 a.m. classes harder to attend, being courteous from the start will go a long way to avoiding a blow-up later in the semester.

Be forgiving. When your student calls to complain about a roommate's dirty dishes, loud snoring or blaring music, don't hesitate to remind your student about his own shortcomings. Parents, of all people, can point out their children's annoying habits. It will be easier for your student to accept a roommate's habits when he realizes that he's no walk in the park to live with either.

Communicate clearly. When those annoyances cross the line between irritating and unbearable, encourage your student to calmly talk it out with the roommate. Choosing words wisely will set the tone for the conversation. Remind your student to avoid "never" or "always" and use "I" statements. For example, instead of saying, "You always throw parties and leave our place trashed, so I have to clean it up," your student should say, "I'm frustrated that I have had to pick up our place after your parties, especially because I wasn't even here."

Think bigger. College is a transitional time for everyone, and it can be difficult. Before your student confronts his roommate in anger, tell him to stop and think about what else might be going on in his roommate's life. A slovenly roommate could be a friend who is homesick and depressed. A lazy roommate could be overwhelmed and dealing with insecurity.

Stay cool. When stressful times hit during the semester, your student may be more prone to lash out and take it out on his roommate. Remind your student to cool down and not confront out of anger, because he may say something hurtful that he'll later regret. Finding healthy ways to deal with stress, like working out, listening to music and spending time alone, will benefit your student and his relationships with those around him.

Know when to quit. Not dealing with issues will only make them worse, but sometimes even healthy confrontation doesn't help. If the problems continue without improving, it may be time for a new living situation. Help your student avoid a miserable semester by recognizing if the roommate situation will only be fixed by getting a new roommate.