Top 5 Questions not to Ask a College Student

There’s a particular pattern that plagues students from the moment college admittance letters start rolling in to when they accept their first job after college graduation: the obligatory parental questions. Parents will do their students, their students’ friends and themselves a favor by avoiding the commonly asked questions and taking the conversational road less traveled.

Students often dread – if not just roll their eyes – at the following five questions, and formulate generic answers to please their friends’ parents, friendly acquaintances or inquiring extended family:

1. What colleges are you applying to?

This question, asked of high school seniors, is often followed up with inquiries about who they’ve heard from and what school they want to attend most. While this line of questioning is innocent enough, it often feeds the insecurity, fear of the future and indecisiveness that many seniors feel as college approaches.

A more positive and encouraging line of questioning – which will get you the same information – would include the following: What are you most excited for after you graduate? What are you looking for in a college? Where do you see yourself a year from now?

2. How’s college?

The first trip home for a college freshman living away on campus can be overwhelming. Not only is he processing his many recent life changes, he’s also surrounded by and reminded of his past life, which can be comforting or not.

So a sweeping question like, “How’s college?” is like asking someone who just skydived for the first time if they had a good trip. There’s no way to boil down the emotions, experiences and thoughts behind that answer into a response. You’re likely to get a one-word retort of “good,” “fun” or “difficult.”

Instead, consider narrowing down your search.

Ask specific questions that are easier to answer: What are your roommates like? What’s your favorite professor like? Have you found a favorite hangout on or off campus? What has surprised you most about college?

3. What’s your major?

Sure, as parents you have a right to know what kind of education you’re buying for your student. But focusing only on academics when talking to your child or other students can be a conversation stopper, especially when college is still new and a major is undecided. When parents follow-up this question with a disinterested nod and, “What do you plan to do with that?” students often switch into auto-mode and stop actively participating in the conversation.

To show real interest in the student, focus less on his potential major and more on his growth and journey to find one: What is your favorite class? Have you discovered any passions or interests you have that you never knew about? What’s the most interesting thing you’ve learned so far?

4. Are you dating anyone?

Moving on from their students’ high school cliques and drama is harder for many parents than it is for the students. And while parents might shoot cupid’s arrow with the best of intentions, their efforts are not unnoticed by their students.

So when a parent asks a student if he is dating anyone, it’s easy to tell if the intentions behind it are to spread the news about his availability and start playing matchmaker among the parent’s network of college students. Most college students are not open to their parents’ and friends’ parents’ involvement in their romantic lives, and if they are, they’ll tell you.

Tread more softly when it comes to asking about students’ personal lives. Consider questions like: Have you joined any clubs or pledged a sorority/fraternity? What are your friends like? What does a typical weekend at college look like for you?

5. What do you plan to do after graduation?

Much like the first question about applying to colleges, this question has the potential to stir up feelings of insecurity, worry, doubt and inadequacy. Entering the “real world” after college can seem like a larger-than-life transition that intimidates and scares even the most prepared graduate. Many parents ask this question accompanied with their own expectations – for a good job lined up, a sensible place to live or a plan for ascending the corporate ladder – which don’t escape the student.

Consider instead making this transition feel more like another step in the journey and not a huge leap that can only lead to greatness or failure: What’s the biggest lesson you’ll take away from college? How do you think you’ve changed as a person in the last four years? How have you been prepared for this next stage in your life? What hopes do you have for the future?